7 steps of a transformational coaching conversation

7 Steps of a Transformational Coaching Conversation

I was so taken with NLP when I first came across it because it was clearly a powerful framework for creating rapid change.

I recognised this wasn’t just positive thinking or some tool or process, but a way of enquiry into the truth.  The more of the truth I saw, the more beautiful and compelling it became.

The 7 Steps for a Transformational Coaching Conversation, in a way recognises and works with the vulnerability in all of us, to create lasting and powerful change:

1, We acknowledge there is learning or change to experience for us – to be all we can be.

2, We look at the barriers to achieving what we want (our present state).

3, We unpack that present state.  This is about going deeper into how we are creating our current situation (be that being stuck, depressed, confused, unmotivated, unsure, unhappy etc).

4, By unpacking the structure of our present state (beliefs, internal strategies etc) we can become aware of, and acknowledge that where we are is a) not where we want to be and b) not fixed c) a part of the natural journey of maturation and learning.  Like a child learning to walk, we all need to fall over to learn to do it properly.

5, If it’s not where we want to be or fixed, that begs the question, what do we want instead?

6, When someone answers this question, the frame of the conversation has shifted from ‘present state’ to ‘desired state’.  From what we don’t want – to what we do.

7, And this is where as a skilled coach we create the space for, and offer feedback to the person to shift state; where they know (this is a belief change!) they can do whatever they want and have the strategies to achieve it.

If you would like to know more about these kinds of Transformational Coaching Conversations, or to have your own, send me an email here.

Love Tristan x

Freedom through NLP

To Be Free: Finding emotional freedom through NLP

When Sue, my mentor, said many years ago “Tristan, you have a great deal of freedom in your life” I understood what she meant but it didn’t really resonate with me. It made sense, but it wasn’t true for me.

Shortly before this, I had been running a successful business turning over £100,000 a month. I’d closed it down in the wake of the financial crisis in 2008 and had enough money to travel the world and do whatever I wanted for a few years.

On the face of things I was free. But underneath, emotionally, I was anything but.

It seemed that more often than not, my emotions and thinking were out of control and led me into states of anxiety and insecurity. It was like being a kid again, unsure of myself, what to do or who I really was in this often confusing and turbulent world.

And yet here I was, living most people’s dream. I was able to wake up when I wanted and do whatever I wanted each day. I was travelling the world, living by the sea and in the sun all year round.

It was around this time that I did my first NLP Trainer Training. I didn’t do it because I want to be an NLP Trainer. I did it because NLP training was the thing that had made the biggest difference in my life – be that emotional or financial – and it made sense to pursue that path.

The path as it turns out, has been and continues to be, a profound one. Gene Early, my coach and mentor shared with me a long time ago, that NLP training was ‘a way to live a profound life’.

He was right. It’s been a path of learning, revelation, healing and ever increasing freedom, passion, meaning, clarity and purpose – not bad for starting out on a journey of which I had no idea the destination. I just felt there was something (perhaps it was truth or love or a sense of freedom that came with it) in this NLP stuff. And boy am I glad that I embraced the journey.

For me, the heart of NLP is giving people choice – opening up possibilities where there are none. Bandler and Grinder wrote a book called ‘The Structure of Magic‘. Why? Probably because NLP uses structure in magical ways! It’s a world changing, dynamic methodology which presupposes that for each and every problem, there is a solution. Imagine that!

Freedom is different for everyone. What kind of freedom do you want? The freedom to choose, to change, to move?

What would it mean to you having already created the kind of freedom your heart longs for?

Nelson Mandela said that “to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

It begins with us. Soon, as we discover more of our own freedom – be that emotional, financial or other – we find there is a limitless supply of freedom. The more we give it to others, the more we give it to ourselves.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” Winston Churchill



Is sales the fastest way of changing lives?

I’ve had what I can only describe as a lifelong resistance to sales and marketing.  Like many of you reading this, I run my own business.  So if you’re anything like me, how do we bridge the gap between selling and marketing, and our fundamental dislike of it?

Over time, I’ve noticed that when I operate from the ‘frame’ of marketing, it’s about me trying to influence, sell or promote something. It’s me first, you second.  It often feels like manipulation.  Probably for you too.  I see that a lot in the world and it riles me. No wonder the resistance!

However, I recently rediscovered that marketing (or as I prefer to now call it – sharing) has a purpose.  This has been a critical reframe for me.

I really enjoy writing and sharing things I believe will help others.  I realise that whilst for some, this may fall under the banner of marketing, it sounds and feels so much better when I think of it as sharing.  I really want to share. I enjoy sharing!  It’s a way of connecting, impacting and helping people.  That’s not marketing in my world, even if it is in someone else’s.

Sharing serves a ‘higher’ purpose.  The other day I was forced to walk through duty free en route to catch my plane. I found it repulsive – being forced to go through their sales and marketing channels, having no choice about whether to look at their ‘garbage’.

Marketing and sharing have fundamentally different structures.

Marketing Sharing
Head Heart
Win – Lose Win – Win
Self Other
Get the sale Make a difference
Task Relationship
Short term Long term
Competition Collaboration
Selling Serving
Push Pull

I like to think that my writing helps to change people’s thinking and awakens something in them. Yes it attracts people to me, but it also helps them change their lives and create freedom in the same way that I have been fortunate enough to.

So what’s in it for me I hear you ask?  Well, sharing through my writing also supports me to clarify my thinking and my message; it assists in creating compelling content for my book. It helps me process my own stuff and create even more freedom in my life.

I once heard someone say that “marketing is nothing but the transference of emotion.  And sales is the fastest way of changing lives”.  That struck a chord with me.

What I’ve discovered, is that it’s not really about sales at all. It’s about creating a space for me to get into an amazing state. It’s about me changing my life first.  From there, I’m motivated to change the lives of others, in a similar way that mine has been through coaching and NLP training.

We all have our own models of success and how we measure that success. Personally, I increasingly measure my success on the strength of my connections with truth, and with people, and how I make a difference in their lives through truth; ‘sharing’ I hope, helps me to do that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and your own marketing/sharing experiences…

Love, Tristan